Fear Itself

I finished my first week of training and I go into my second week starting tomorrow. The hours don’t even add up to 40 a week, really, but I’m so exhausted by the end of every day that I’ve been falling asleep as soon as I sit down, only to have to rouse myself to get up and do some homework. That’s really where the problem comes in. I should still be recovering from surgery, and having to go back to work so soon is a lot for my little body to take. I can handle it, but trying to get all the other stuff d

one, the important other stuff, like homework, is truly my full-time occupation these days. Thankfully, I did manage to get a great deal of Astronomy done this week. I still need to finish one homework assignment that I’ve started, and then to finish the final one, which are due next week and the week after that. I want to get them done early so that I can have more time to practice for the final though. Besides that, I’ve also still got two observation projects to complete before the semester ends the week after this one, and those will be time consuming. I’d actually intended to do one of them yesterday, but ended up doing nothing of any importance. I just needed a break! I had also promised a few people that I’d try and get together with them over this weekend, but only one of those panned out.

My friend Sheryl, who has also had a gastric bypass procedure, asked me to help her work a concert for a friend of out, Latin Jazz singer, Kat Parra (look her up - she’s awesome!), and of course, I’m practically incapable of saying no. Still, the event was fantastic, and Sheryl and I got a chance to talk about a lot of things, including how our lives have changed because of the surgeries we’ve had. It’s hard for people to understand how simultaneously wonderful and frustrating it is. It’s easy to look down on someone, as though we’re too weak to lose the weight on our own and had to resort to other means. Especially if you’ve never been fat, many can’t understand the impetus to make the decision to have these kinds of surgeries - to go through all of that - and it’s nice for us to be able to talk to each other because we know, in ways others just don’t. It’s not easy, even though neither of us would change it for the world. We take tons of vitamins, and if we don’t we feel sick. We are probably more self-conscious than ever, because we, or at least I, feel like a fraud in my own body.

As if I’m wearing a ‘thin disguise’. In my mind, I was never as fat as I was, and now, I’m not as thin as I am. At a size 12, the size Marilyn Monroe was, I am happy with my body in ways I never was before, but I still see the stretch marks, the flabby skin, the odd rolls of flesh that still remain to either work off, or deal with later. In my head, I’m still Kimberlee, and she was someone who was very affected by how other people saw her. It’s probably my biggest struggle now, beyond the physical stuff. I have moments of complete elation when I see my body in the mirror. At other time, I wonder if I’m already putting on weight - if my body is reverting to its desired state of engorgement, or if it’s all just in my head. Your mind plays tricks on you - it’s a kind of body dimorphic disorder, which is common to those who suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as I do. I’m terrified that I’m going to mess up, destroy my body again. I eat small meals, but I always feel hungry.

I also have an immense craving for sweets that I never had before. I struggle to remain in control, but like any addiction, I know it will never really go away. Especially since I can’t just stop eating altogether. I recently discovered that someone I know has been struggling with a math addiction, and was able to quit cold turkey one day. I admire this person’s strength, as I always have, and in a way, it gives me hope that I can survive. The therapy helps. My doctor doesn’t specialize in eating disorders, but he helps me understand why I think the way I do, and how to talk to myself in my more difficult moments. I have to push myself to be honest about these things. I don’t like to admit that I’m not excelling at something - I am a perfectionist, you know. I try, and I try hard. I don’t always succeed, but I can’t ever give up, and I don’t intend to. My weight is good right now, but I haven’t been making an effort to start losing the weight I’ll need to before I can think about surgery for my thighs. I’m at five weeks since surgery now, and at six weeks, I can start working out again, and by week eight, I should be able to resume a normal workout routine.

Then I’ll really begin to focus, and we’ll see where we go. I have two more weeks of school, and two more weeks of training. In three weeks, I’ll be able to do just about anything without worry of injuring myself, and I can begin to create my new life with my new routine and my new body. Of course, as soon as I adjust to that I’ll start school at San Francisco State, so things will change all over again, but that’s the way life is for me of late. I know I’ll be fine. I’ll adjust, I gain my confidence, I’ll do everything I need to do to succeed, because that’s just who I am. I don’t expect less from myself, and that’s often the problem. Still, it’s nice to know I have confidence in myself in at least one thing, and that is my ability to do anything. It’s just all the little things I worry about along the way.