Flesh Failures

Oh, man. I hurt! I’ve been exchanging e-mail with someone from my vocal academy, the San Francisco Academy of the Performing Arts, about a play she’s in that is still looking to cast a few more people. I haven’t been on-stage in about four years, usually working backstage instead, and since this happened to be a show I’ve wanted to be in for a while, I said I’d be interested in auditioning. At first, I didn’t think anything was going to come of it. It’s only been six weeks since my surgery, and the show is a musical - meaning I’d have to dance, or at least move comfortably. Plus, I’d just started my new job at the library, and with the training I was in and my final semester at the community college coming to an end all in the same week, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.

Then I got one more e-mail from this girl, Brie, telling me that if I was still interested, to come to the next rehearsal. I immediately decided to go for it. The theater company is about an hour away from my home, in San Jose, but I was so excited to return to the stage that I didn’t care. I dug through my old sheet music for something I could do on a moments notice and listened to the show’s soundtrack on a loop right up to the very minute that I arrived at the theater for the audition/rehearsal. I was very nervous, and even more so since I’d only arrived fifteen minutes early, and no other cars were in the parking lot!

We actors have our own Standard Time, but even that’s cutting it close. After walking all the way around the building several times and trying every door, I put a call in to the woman who handles scheduling for the Academy to see if I could get Brie’s phone number. She not only gave it to me, but said she’d call another cast member who was also an Academy student to see what was going on. We were both able to get a hold of our people, and just as I discovered that rehearsal had been pushed back from 10:00 to 10:30, the director pulled into the parking spot next to mine. The director, for this show, Jon, is a hard guy to read in person, but I was able to have a little bit of insight before meeting him.

The man has been blogging about this show for the last three months, so I had spent the night previous to that day reading up on the process. There was even a picture posted so I was able to recognize him on sight. I introduced myself and offered to help carry things from his car to the rehearsal space. Once we were all settled, my audition began. Since I’d brought my own music, he had me sing that for him, and then gave me a portion of dialogue from the script to read. After that, Jon explained to me what was happening. He was supposed to have a few more auditions the following day, and he wanted to wait to make any decisions until after he’d seen everyone. I was welcomed to stay for the rehearsal on the understanding that it was tentative, and begin learning the dances and getting to know the cast. That was a very important part of all this. This show is truly an ensemble show, and the more comfortably the cast interacts, the more realistic the performances.

I have a tendency to be very shy around people I don’t know, but I made a great effort to rise above it and get to know everyone in the cast. And I think I succeeded. I introduced myself, joined conversations instead of sitting by myself to one side, and made an effort to get to know some of them in the little time I had. Moreover, I had fun. Everyone I met and talked with was very friendly and welcoming, and I could tell that they were all already a sort of family. That’s a wonderful and rare thing in the theatre, and I loved the experience. Their rehearsal was a ‘movement’ rehearsal, and I made sure to tell the choreographer of my surgery. Even so, there really wasn’t anything I had very much trouble with. The movement in this show isn’t really dancing, but is nonetheless taxing. I spent close to four hours crawling around on the floor, scooting across a carpet on my tush, within especially constructed dog-piles of other actors, and being lifted into the air by the other cast members. The lifting was the most enjoyable. As a 300 lbs. woman, you don’t get lifted in a show, even if you actually get cast. Being much lighter now, there was no question about lifting me.

They just did it. We all did, more or less, and with several of us together, we each in turn were lifted and lifted the others way above our heads and carried them around the room. I almost felt like crying at the surreal quality of it! By the end of the rehearsal, I was tired, but I felt good. I had done everything I’d set out to do, and I knew that even if I didn’t end up as a member of the cast, for one reason or another, that I had done something I could be proud of. It’s so easy to fall back on your weight as an excuse for some things, especially in an industry like the performing arts. When you don’t have that barrier any more, or not to such an extreme degree anyway, you’re forced to bear the burden of responsibility for your successes and failures. It had been such a long time since I’d gone to an audition, and I know that I was rusty, but for where I am in my life, I feel I did really well. It’s been a few days since the audition, and I haven’t yet heard if I’ve been cast, but I should find out later today in time for the rehearsal scheduled for tonight. I had an urgent longing to be able to take part in this show, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high. Anything can happen at this point, and all I can do is wait patiently for the phone call that will decide the course of the next couple of months. Some people become actors for the attention, others for the money, still others for the possibility of fame.

Then there are those who do it for the pure joy of creation, the making of something out of bits and pieces and using it to bring pleasure to other people. That’s always the kind of person I’ve been, and I can’t ever be away from that happiness for too long. I may not get cast in this show, and that will be sad, but something else will come along. Whatever happens, I feel a new confidence from this experience that was missing from my life for almost four years. Working backstage is wonderful, but to be a part of a cast, to contribute a part of your soul to something beautiful like a play or musical, there’s nothing like it, and I’d forgotten how much I need that in my life. More than that, I discovered that I can act - I can do it, and I no longer need my excuses.