Learning How

It’s been a long week for me. To begin with, it was my last week of training for my new job at the library, and then I went into my first regular week of work. Also, it was finals week at school, so I spent a lot of time studying, and even more time stressed out because I wasn’t studying. In the end though, those two things were the least of what was occupying my mind. As I mentioned in my last blog, I auditioned for a musical last weekend and as Monday came and went, I was a nervous wreck. It’s been such a long time since I’ve auditioned for anything that I spent far too much time obsessing over the results.

The director told me that he’d let me know Tuesday, and as I waited for that call I worried about whether I’d be cast or not. I had enjoyed the rehearsal I’d gone to so much that I knew I’d be upset if I didn’t get cast. I did everything I could think of to distract myself but by the time Tuesday came and I never heard from him, I didn’t know what to do. I went to the movies with a friend on Tuesday night just to get my mind off things. I’m glad that I did instead of sitting around waiting for the call, because on Wednesday afternoon I finally got the e-mail saying that the director was going to keep looking. He was very nice about it, saying that my schedule didn’t really work with theirs and that my audition was great, but it was still hard. Actors build up a tolerance for rejection, but as I said, it’s been a while. Luckily I had so many other things going on during the week to keep me occupied, but it took me a while to process the experience. I’ve often said that when you’re the ‘fat girl’, no one has any expectations of you. Fat has been a kind of safety net for me, something I could use to shield myself from my failures. Even though I didn’t get cast in this show, I knew that I’d done the best that I could, without having prepared beforehand.

I do have confidence in my abilities as a singer, but as an actor, I feel unproven. I feel that I have the ability inside me, but that I haven’t learned enough yet. I spent a lot of time thinking about this experience during the days that followed that e-mail, and have done the only thing I can do now, accepted it. I know that there will be many more opportunities for me to be on-stage again, maybe even in the same show, or with that same director. Having been a director myself, I’ve learned that they’re not waiting for you to fail, but that they really want to see you succeed so that you can help them do the same. Sometimes, it just doesn’t work out. I guess why I’m writing about this, and why it was so hard for me at first, goes back to the weight issue. When I look in the mirror each morning, or at night, I force myself to really take in what I see, instead of ignoring the reality of my body like I did before. Some might see this kind of close observation as equally unhealthy as the earlier avoidance, but for now, it’s something I have to teach myself. Overall, I’m happy with what I see. I’m not skinny, but I never wanted to be.

My thighs are still heavy, and now my upper body is out of proportion with the rest of my torso, but if I were never to change in appearance from this point forward, I think I would be content, and that’s something new for me. Furthermore, forcing myself to look in the mirror at myself has helped me realize that my body isn’t what’s holding my back, but my own fears. I can see that I’m a beautiful person, no matter what that evil little voice in my brain tells me, and I have to try and remember that. My self-esteem has always been victim to other people’s opinions, and it’s time that stopped. I know that if I love myself, and have confidence in myself, then no one else will question me the way I so often do. I was talking with my counselor on Tuesday, and I was telling him about this obsession with how other people see me. When I say that, I’m always thinking about what they see physically, but my counselor’s first response was ‘an intelligent, caring, motivated and self aware young woman.’ I felt bad, not because I don’t believe him, but because I always pass those qualities over. It’s one of those vicious cycle thingy’s. We live in a society that places a huge amount of emphasis on looks and objectifies women to the point where violence against women is commonplace enough to not make the headline news. As a woman, and as a woman who doesn’t meet the accepted standard of beauty, I’ve tried to rebel against that ‘ideal’ since I first began to feel its pressure. Even so, I fear that I’ve helped to embrace it by having plastic surgery. Is it wrong? In the end, I have to say no. It’s true that I had the surgery because I wanted to be beautiful. It’s even more true though, that I had the surgery because I wanted to be able to accept myself, not be accepted by others.

My body was so disproportionate that I needed to do something about it, and I did. There’s nothing wrong with that. Still, I have to learn how to not continue to fall victim to the lookism in our society. I have to learn how to accept and embrace the parts of me that are wonderful, instead of worrying about the parts of me that are less so. I have to learn to accept the whole package, because in the end, it’s all me. I won’t get cast in a play, or find someone who loves me for me, until I can accept myself first. It’s hard. It’s really hard. I’m not the only one who’s been through it, and I know it’s got to be possible to achieve. Luckily, one thing I have perfect confidence in myself about is my ability to overcome. When I think back over my life, think about all the things I’ve done and what I’ve been through, I know that I have always endured, and come out on top in the end. That gives me confidence that no matter what happens, I’ll be fine, and I have to learn to love that part of me along with all the rest.

I have done some amazing things in my life, and I should be proud of that, instead of worrying about how I look. In the end, the quality of the soul is what matters, not the size of your waistline. So it’s all about finding a balance, achieving inner peace, being Zen. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look your best, as long as it doesn’t take over your life. I want to be healthy and happy, and for me, a big part of that is fixing the damage I’ve done to my body over the years. In addition, I have to remember to fix the damage I’ve done to my soul, too. Without taking care of both problems, I will forever be out of balance, physically and emotionally, and that’s what I’ve been fighting against since the beginning.